I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
