I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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