I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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