The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
