mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
