We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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