The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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