everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
