He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
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I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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