Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I need moral support for this bender
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
