I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize