he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
