Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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