Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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