Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
