I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
