Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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