I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
