my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
