I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish you could order shots online.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
