I am spending my child support on dildos
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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