bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
