You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
