you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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