i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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