Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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