If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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