just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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