well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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