I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
