My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
