If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
