Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize