He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
