Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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