dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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