tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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