i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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