I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
