i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
