M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
