haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
