don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
