Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
