I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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