I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
