You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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