I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
