I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
