giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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