No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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