Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
