i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
