She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
