Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
